


(never) really gone

by soft_witch



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Acceptance, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Gen, Grief/Mourning, Not A Fix-It, just a teeny amount of hair braiding, not a fix-it but that's okay, soft angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:20:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23196175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soft_witch/pseuds/soft_witch
Summary: She never really sees him -- but she knows he's there.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	(never) really gone

It hurts. 

Of course it hurts -- for the first time in her life, she'd felt whole, and now it's suddenly just... gone. It’s a wrenching agony, and she wonders if she’s dying (again). It’s more than anything else she's experienced, even more than watching that ship fly away when she was so, so little.

But with the keening ache of her soul being torn asunder comes something else: Peace, and purpose.

Just as with Luke. Just as with Leia.

She stares, unmoving, at where he had just been. Nothing physical remains of him; his clothing is stretched out before her as if someone had simply laid them out to prepare for the day. As her eyes well with tears, some slipping out and falling onto the stone beneath her, she thinks that she hears him.

_I will always be with you._

She isn’t sure if it’s her own wishful thinking, or if he’s actually speaking to her -- she’s only spoken to one other ghost, there’s no telling what the rules are -- but it helps calm her nonetheless. 

Idly, she remembers the deaths she saw on Jakku. Most of the time, bodies were left out in the open for scavenger beasts to pick clean. If the deceased had had a loved one, there might have been a pile of stones built or a pole erected -- a small reminder of their existence built from what scraps were available. 

Looking around, she sees how the cavern has crumbled around them. She thinks it’s a miracle they weren’t crushed. The only scraps here are all Sith-born; they’re not fitting. If she had more strength, she might have been able to carve a grave into the hard stone using the Force. As it is, she’s still overwhelmed at the fact that she’s still breathing. Actively using the Force seems far beyond her current ability.

Does he even need a burial?

She breathes deeply, and sits back on her knees. If there is nothing to bury (or pick clean), then she will simply do what she can. 

First, she picks up his trousers, folds them into a neat rectangle, and places them onto the stone before her. Next to them, she lines up his boots. She then gently lifts his shirt up; it still has a hole from where she wounded him (healed him). Gently clutching it to her chest, she inhales what lingering warmth is found in its fibers. On her exhale, she breathes into it her love, her sadness, her gratitude for the gift he gave her. Once it too is folded, she places it on top of the trousers. 

A small memorial, in the place where he gave her everything. 

For the first time since waking, she looks up. The sky is dotted with so many ships that she has trouble telling some of them apart from the stars in the night sky. Tentatively, she reaches out with her feelings and brushes against familiar signatures. 

With one last look towards the memorial she made, she goes to return to her X-wing, and her life without him. 

***

When she lands, the rest of her life starts to trickle back. BB-8 is the first one to find her, waiting for her to disembark. Already knowing what he’s waiting for, she kneels down to check his antennae. Satisfied, he beeps his thanks. She watches as he rolls away, probably towards Poe.

As she follows him, she is engulfed by the joyous racket of the entire base celebrating. Still overwhelmed, she’s not sure how to respond or feel. There are too many faces, too many voices, and she feels like she’s suffocating even though they’re outside in the fresh air. She manages a half-smile or two. 

She is glad to see so many of her comrades safe, of course -- glad that the Resistance has won the war to end all wars. But still, she is empty. The place inside her where she had (so, so briefly) felt complete and overflowing is now cold, extinguished. 

But then she sees Finn, and Poe, and the world stops. It was one thing to feel them in the Force, but it is wholly different to see them in the flesh. They are somewhat battered, with Poe’s arm in a sling, and some scrapes to Finn’s brow, but they are so beautifully alive. The tears she thought she no longer had come rising up again, and she does her best to choke back a sob as they crush her in an embrace. 

Her face is buried in Finn’s neck; one arm circles around his back, the other around Poe’s waist. Poe finds her fingers along Finn’s back and squeezes them, pulling Finn closer as they cling to each other. Though he is silent, she feels Finn offer his thanks skyward towards whatever brought them back together, and kept them safe. 

Slowly, she feels their warmth flow into her. The frigidness inside her thaws just a little with the love that is pouring out of her friends -- her friends, who she died for. She gave her life for them, and now, they are giving her theirs. They are safe, and they are here, and their touch reminds her that although she may feel lonely, she is never truly alone. They are her family now, as much as he would have been. 

And she finally understands that this -- this is why he gave himself up for her.

At long last, she allows herself to sob, her friend’s chest wet with their tears. It is an exquisitely agonizing blend of mourning and relief. 

Even without words, she knows they understand. 

***

She’s not sure, but she thinks that she senses him again. 

It’s much later in the evening, and the Resistance is still celebrating. A bonfire has been built, just like in the stories of the first war. Many of them are dancing. Some of them are trading stories back and forth about the battle they just fought. Even more are speaking in memory of the friends who did not come back. 

Every so often, a few more make their way towards the fire. No matter how welcoming they try to be, she turns down their invitations to join them. Somehow, she doesn’t feel as though she should be celebrating with them. 

So she sits on the outskirts of the encampment, and watches the tableau of emotions on display before her. She’d hoped that watching them would guide her into some greater understanding of how she should feel -- but every time she catches onto something, it slips away just as quickly. Eyes closed, she leans her head back. 

At some point, BB-8 manages to find her again. He whistles to get her attention, and looks between her and the people gathered around the bonfire. He wants her to join them. 

She shakes her head, so the droid settles in next to her. 

It has taken her a while, but she is at last able to put a name to the weight in her chest -- guilt. Guilt, that he is gone, and she is not. Guilt, that she is surrounded by friends and (new) family, and he is not.

Should she even be allowed to celebrate, in these circumstances? 

As if in response, she is pushed forward, like someone had tripped over her while walking. 

Except that no one had been walking; it is only her and BB-8. When she glances over at the droid, he warbles and shakes his head back and forth. 

Pushing out with her senses, she picks something up, and it is ever so slight. It feels like him. His signature is burned into her heart; there is no way she could mistake it. While there was once a time when she dreaded it, she now breathes it in. 

It’s gone in an instant. Realization gradually blooms in her chest that he’d pushed her towards the fire, towards everyone else. 

Like he wants her to enjoy herself. 

Slowly, she stands and gestures for BB-8 to follow her. 

***

She knows for certain that she has sensed him again. 

It’s a few days later, and after all of the initial rush after the battle on Exegol, her two Generals are sitting with her in her quarters, having asked what happened while they were separated. They sit across from her, while she is cross-legged on her bunk. 

The story is difficult for them to hear. As far as they’d known up to this point, the mighty Kylo Ren was almost an ephemeral demon. They knew nothing of her pairing with him as a dyad, the Bond that they’d shared. They are equal parts shocked, and hurt that she’d kept the burden to herself. 

When she tells them of his sacrifice, they look as incredulous as she still feels. 

By now, her breathing is shaky, and her body trembles as she remembers. It’s here that she feels a familiar presence next to her, and a comforting hand placed at her lower back. Just by knowing he is near, she feels a sense of calm flow through her. 

Finn’s brows are drawn together, his lips are pressed in a straight line. She looks at him, and he cocks his head sideways as he looks back at her -- and then, past her. 

Finn knows. 

She knows that Finn knows. 

Allowing herself a small grin (and with an amusement that both is and is not hers), she cheekily asks when Finn was going to tell her that he was Force-sensitive. 

Poe’s amazed outburst delights her (and him). 

***

From then on, she never quite sees him -- not like with Luke, or Leia. But she knows when he’s there. 

Sometimes, he is closer. Like when she tells the old woman on Tatooine that her name is “Rey Skywalker”, it’s a good-natured eyeroll and a _that’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?_

When she watches the binary sunset with BB-8, it’s a wistful half-sigh and a _Luke always told me he loved this view._

When Snoke or Palpatine come back for her in her sleep and she awakes with a cry, it’s a gentle hand smoothing her hair and a _don’t worry, you’re safe._

(Her favorite is when she encountered some Alderaanian merchants in the Gold System and she later tried to recreate their intricate braids; her hands were too inexperienced, and it resulted in a nest of chaos. He’d sighed in mock exasperation and insisted _allow me_ while showing her flashes of his mother teaching him the ways of her home planet.)

Other times, he is farther away. Like when she rejoins with Finn and Poe for outreach missions, dropping supplies to areas in need. He won’t interact during these times, but she knows he is watching, and that he is happy for her. 

Eventually, she comes to realize that he’s trying to let her live her life on her own terms. That he let go of so much -- let go of everything -- for her, and he doesn’t want to weigh her back down. That, to him, his absence is as important of a gift as the one he already gave her in that stone cavern. 

It was hard to accept at first. But now, she understands. She looks forward to each new day, each new adventure, and vows to use her life to its fullest potential. 

And when she is ready, they will be together again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for stopping by! I wanted to explore a little more what Rey would have felt after everything; I've seen some talk online about how TROS didn't give Rey enough time to grieve, or that she shouldn't have been happy once she returned to base, and... I think our girl is stronger than that. And feelings are complicated beasts, y'know? I hope you enjoyed.


End file.
